Oops

I experienced another “Macaroni Moment” yesterday. Full on. I own it. Well, mostly I own it.

Recently, Taylin has been struggling. I have noticed the anxiety in different areas, but his overall response to situations has been escalating. Every time he gets something in his head, it sits and stews until the point where he throws up. Repeatedly. The first time he did it was on the way to his first baseball game last summer when he played for an All-Stars team. He was so nervous that he puked on the way there. We recognized that it was nerves not sickness, so once we got there, we coached him out of the truck and once he started throwing the ball, it was all good.

When we started back to school, he went through about two weeks of pure illness- directly related to anxiety. It was awful, but eventually it worked its way out- mostly thanks to two very special teachers who love him like their own. Lately, though, it has been getting worse and coming at the most ridiculous times. Yesterday, it hit again and I did not handle myself well. I was very frustrated at the way he was acting, because I recognize that it is a full on panic attack. The throwing up multiple times, the headache, the crying- it’s all related to anxiety- and I’m frustrated because in my mind it is ridiculousness.

The truth is that he doesn’t think it is ridiculous. His shoulder hurts. He’s in physical therapy. STAAR tests are next week. He’s going to a new school next year. He struggles in reading. He can’t pitch anymore for now. We have puppies. We have baby chickens. Thunderstorms are almost every other night- usually around 3 a.m. Holly’s home. He had surgery 8 weeks ago on his warts- some of which are coming back.

Most recently, though, he got stung by a Buck Moth. It hurt him and left a blister- which was where I lost it yesterday. He’s fine. But, he was in a new reading class and missed a word and started puking. I went to the nurse’s office and sent him back to class after fussing at him. Then, he said he was sick again. I sent him back to class. Then, he started puking in class sitting at the table and puked all the way down the hall and again in the nurse’s office. RIDICULOUSNESS. So, I made him a doctor’s appointment to have his bite looked at. I sent the bug in a ziplock bag so that the doctor could see exactly what bit him. She said what I said, “Benadryl cream, ice, ibuprophen.”

What happened next, though, was where I lost it. On the way out of the office, the bug was sitting on the counter. He said, “Stupid bug!” and then hit it with his fist. Guess what? The stupid bug’s quills stung him again through the bag. Now, his hand was swelling and HE DID IT TO HIMSELF!!! Oi Vey!

I’m so thankful Holly was the one who took him to the doctor because I acted badly enough and I wasn’t even there with him. My mouth got away from me and I did not speak out of love. I failed to realize just how much Taylin has been dealing with. After talking through the day with a few friends, I think I have a better handle on where to go from here.

I’m not perfect. I lose my mind. I failed yesterday as a mom, but I also kissed my kids goodnight and they reciprocated when I said, “I love you.” I suppose all was not lost … and that stupid bug has now been run over and thrown away- literally- Holly ran over it to be sure that it is dead. BOOM.