Today is New Year’s Day… 2020. Full of opportunity, hope, enthusiasm, newness, etc… For most people anyway. For me, it’s not so easy. I keep trying to figure out a “word” to focus on or some aspirations or goals. The only thing I keep thinking about is “trying”. Why does life seem so hard sometimes? Being a mom is hard. Being a good mom is impossible by most standards. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like I run circles around everyone in my family. I’m tired of feeling like I have to organize and plan and manipulate and register and keep up with everything and everyone. I have no word and frankly, I’m at a loss for words. But, I’m trying.
Today, Scottish Rite called. My son’s blood work had some issues. First, his thyroid is elevated again. He’ll need to see his endocrinologist. Also, his kidney function is elevated and he’ll need to see his urologist. Excellent. More blood work, more specialists, more co-pays, and most unfortunate: more time- time that I don’t have. I was greeted this morning to reminder texts from Holly’s physical therapy appointment and dermatology appointment for tomorrow and her pain management doctor on Friday morning- which reminds me that I need to set the Cryotherapy and Normatec therapies for the rest of the week. At least Holly’s met her out of pocket deductible- but where am I supposed to find over $6,000 to catch up on those bills? Meh, they’ll take payments. But, I need to schedule Dani’s dental work so that she can get the crowns over her fillings that she’s needed since before Holly was injured. Oh, and Jason’s taking his Dad to the heart doctor in the morning- apparently there is fluid building around his lungs now. Excellent.
Y’all, I’m trying to not yell at my kids or feel anxious. I’m trying to be super excited about going back to work. I’m trying to catch my breath and not feel guilty for being angry. I’m trying not to worry about Taylin or Holly. I’m trying to keep organized. I’m trying to let things go and move forward. I’m trying. I’m going to eat a second helping of cabbage and black-eyed peas today. I’m going to not think about the resolutions I should be making and just be okay with the concept of trying. Because in this moment, it’s what I am capable of: I’m trying.
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