This is a message to my future self and anyone else that may need a reminder that the only thing you have to do is to take your next breath. A situation arose this week that has had me in a bit of a tailspin and while the world is slowing down around me, I want to reflect on the process I used to help combat situational anxiety and PTSD involving medically induced traumatic stress.
My son has Spina Bifida. When he was little, a doctor told us that the biggest blessing and curse is that he will look fine on the outside and inside, he is somewhat of a mess- so much so that you may not even realize what is happening. Since his spinal cord untethering surgery, he has done well, but he doesn’t really feel the bottoms of his feet due to nerve damage.
Taylin had a few warts on his knee and elbow about 18 months ago. We had them froze off. They came right back, but this time, there were a little more. We had them froze off again. Only, this time, we noticed that there was one of those plantar warts on the bottom of his feet. The doctor said it should go away on it’s own. This last fall, we were getting out of the hot tub and noticed that Taylin’s feet had several plantar warts on them. We went back to the doctor, but they were out of control and we had to see a dermatologist. The dermatologist was not able to treat them because she would have to freeze them and then inject each wart three times with a needle. Since the warts were now on his knees, arm and bottom of his feet, they said surgical laser removal under general anesthesia was the only way to go.
The first surgery had to be rescheduled due to a freak ice storm here in Texas. On Monday, we were scheduled for surgery- but this weekend, Taylin had a random fever. No cough, congestion, etc… just a fever for 2 days. I was in panic mode and even COVID tested him twice with the at-home tests. He was just kinda sick. I probably should have rescheduled the surgery, but I’ve already had to take off a ton for my own hysterectomy, so I talked to a few of my doctor friends/ family and decided that it was fine as long as he wasn’t coughing, etc… But, I fretted over the decision for days. Then, when we got to the hospital, another set of complications arose. The HSA card was acting up and they ended up taking two $500 payments out of my account- which made the card decline- because remember I just had surgery?? So we got that taken care of. Then, we get back and all settled in and the doctor came in. He didn’t realize just how many warts Taylin had and ended up handing us over to a more experienced surgeon- that delayed the surgery. Taylin was a wreck and I felt the walls closing in. Should we just reschedule? NO. Is this a sign? NO. ugh.
Long story short, the doctor told us it was a complicated and rare case. Taylin had 34 warts on the bottom of his right foot, 11 on his right knee, 7 on his arm, and a huge one on his left knee. Total of 53 warts. He’ll be out of school for the whole week. We can change bandages on Wednesday but no pressure on his foot until Thursday. He’s already bled through one set of bandages/ socks. The blessing is that Taylin doesn’t have full pain because of his nerve damage. Thank GOD. I can’t imagine if he felt the way you and I do.
I didn’t want to talk about this because it is kind of embarrassing- to have that many warts. I have no idea how or why they multiplied like they did or how fast they appeared- except that I don’t check the bottoms of his feet everyday. I don’t know if he’s been kissing frogs- or what? What I do know is that being in this space AGAIN brought back a flood of memories and emotions for me. I’ve learned a lot about cognitive restructuring and calming techniques and all the things, but still I face my own demons when it comes to these type of situations. What should have been a 40 minute procedure ended up being an 8 hour ordeal. Taylin had trouble with oxygen stats and when he woke up, there was that scream of pain- which the doctor said he had to go deeper than he wanted- so great! Taylin feels pain on some level- and CRAP!! Yikes! They started morphine to help… Oh man, just breathe.
My dad was here yesterday and I stayed home, too. My momma heart needed to be with Taylin and know that he was doing okay. I can’t lift him, though, because I am not supposed to be lifting- so Papa carried him to the bathroom and served as a terrific distraction. Me? I watched Taylin sleep, spent lots of time in prayer, meditated, talked to friends, and reminded myself that God’s got this. I did it. I handled the surgery and made the best decisions I knew how along the way. I kept it together (mostly) and only cried in the shower. I remembered to breathe. I’m proud of myself and I know there’s still work to do. Instead of freaking out and then giving this to God, I gave it to God and then freaked out- but it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past.
To my future self: Just breathe. No more kissing frogs or blaming yourself for what you did or didn’t do. Every single day, just try to be better than you were today. Make the best decisions you possibly can and let God handle the rest. #BecauseYES
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